Monday, January 31, 2005


Dear Manager of the movie theater I went to this weekend,

I must admit that it’s been quite some time since I’ve seen a film at your particular multiplex. Paying ten dollars to see Dude Where’s My Car? in a theater the size of my living room really isn’t my cup of tea, but since yours was the only one playing the Academy Award nominated Ray, I decided to give you another chance.

You can only imagine how pleasantly surprised I was to have such a wonderful cinema-going experience.

First of all, let me congratulate you on hiring such a crack staff.

The gentleman taking money at the ticket window was a consummate professional. Even though I was the only person in line, he still took his job very seriously. As a matter of fact, his concentration level was so high, that he didn’t once look at me, nor utter an extraneous word. It’s rare to see such a strong work ethic these days.

Also, I would like to give a tip of the hat to the projectionist. Seeing him roll a giant reel of film down the hallway shows me he has great confidence in his abilities. Also, during the last 20 minutes or so of the movie, I particularly enjoyed his interpretation of Ray Charles’ struggle with heroin addiction. The film jittering and jumping around really made the story come alive.

Secondly, I must admit the idea of having one person run the snack counter is genius. To quote one of Lord Alfred Tennyson’s poems, “The many fail, the one succeeds.” Even though it might take five minutes longer, it gives each and every customer a chance to get up close and personal with one employee. The chance to cultivate this kind of relationship is something you just don’t get anywhere else.

Lastly, your commitment to environmental causes is a noble endeavor. By not stocking the paper towels in the restroom, you are keeping our landfills empty and saving many trees. Who would have thought that drying my hands on my pants would work just as well? Oh, and your decision to not run the vacuum cleaner during business hours must conserve countless megawatts of electricity. As I always say, “What’s a little popcorn on the floor between friends?”

In summary, I would just like to say thank you for making this the best movie experience I’ve had in quite some time. I wish you and your team all the best.


A satisfied customer


If I may, there is one employee I would like to single out for excellence: Jose. (Although I think his name might have been Joel, since he had taken a sharpie and crossed out the “S” and added an “L” to the end. It looked something like this: J O S E L)

At any rate, his commitment to customer service ran so deep that when he finished wheeling a trash can across the lobby, he came straight to the snack bar to relieve his fellow co-worker. To my pleasant surprise, he was so eager to help that he decided to forgo washing his hands so that we could get our popcorn more quickly. If it is within your power, please give this man a raise.

Monday, January 24, 2005


Three things…

1. Overheard from a smartly-dressed woman: “I’ve never in my life owned sweatpants."

2. A funny name I made up: Magnus Haggis.

3. Something someone actually said to me: “The only difference between work and play is your attitude.”

Friday, January 14, 2005


Day Ten:

Finished. I'm sorry to say that my last day at this gig did not produce any celebrity beans worthy of spilling.

However, this evening was a different story.

1. While walking through The Grove on our way to the movie theater, my wife saw at a middle-aged blonde woman and thought to herself, "Gosh, I sure hope I don't age like that." Then we realized it was Dyan Cannon.

2. Later, coming out of the movies we saw Andy Dick slap some girl on the ass. We're still not sure if he actually knew her.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Day Nine:

I have become extremely exhausted and delusional from working two jobs. Any and all attempts of escape have been thwarted by pangs of greed. I can only hope these words will reach someone who might take pity on me and arrange for my rescue.

After almost two weeks of trite celebrity verbiage, my supply of cheesy clichés is running dangerously low. I fear alliteration and "clever" writing will eventually lead to my demise.

If anyone finds these words after I'm gone, please know that even though I may have written things like "Kirstie Alley is thinking big... The 'Fat Actress' talks about her outrageous new show," I never enjoyed it.

Monday, January 10, 2005


Day Six:

Ah, yes... It's raining cats and dogs here in Los Angeles and I can only speculate that it's God shedding tears over the end of Brad and Jen. I'm thinking of curling up with a bottle of merlot and Along Came Polly myself, but that's not really news to anyone, is it?

Something we aren't reporting on though: The wife of a certain late-night talk show host (current/former/future... Take your pick... I need to be vague here) is calling for the end of their matrimony. Apparently, she describes their co-habitation as living with Mr. Magoo. Ouch.

Allegedly, of course.

Thursday, January 06, 2005


Day Four:

I had this information yesterday, but withheld it because... Well, working two jobs at once keeps you pretty busy. I offer it up regardless, just in case not everyone is informed of this extremely important and earth-shattering news.

Anyway, a certain twice-married southern songstress is ready to hang up the crown of pop diva and become a forensic scientist.

Allegedly, of course.

If only she had been around during the OJ trial. I’m thinking an interpretive dance number just might have tipped the jury in the other direction.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


Day Two:

Nothing too juicy to report. However, I did learn that when you're asked to come up with a celebrity angle to the Tsunami disaster, it makes you feel kinda icky.

Monday, January 03, 2005


Day One:

Rumor has it that a certain girlfriend of an ex-boyfriend of someone who claims to still be “from the block” has not shown up for work on the set of her hit television show, further fueling speculation of a bastard child in the making.

Allegedly, or course.

P.S. If you're confused as to the nature--not content--of this post, please refer to this this.

P.P.S. The nature--not content--of this post makes me feel yucky inside.

Sunday, January 02, 2005


Anyone who knows my wife and I, knows that we like to frequent neighborhood yard sales on Saturday mornings. It's great, we take the dog out for a walk, get some exercise and come home with half a lawn bowling set.

Thinking that most of the world would be nursing a New Year's Eve hangover this last Saturday, we didn't expect to see any yard sales. Much to our surprise, we saw this down the block from our apartment. As we came closer, we were even more surprised to see this.

We didn't buy anything.

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