Dead Aim

Yep, I’ve been enjoying the holiday season and taking some time off from the ol’ blog. You know… Eating fudge, singing Christmas carols, mending socks and relaxing and stuff.

Actually, that’s not true. Even though I have been spending valuable time watching the extended versions of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, I’ve been very busy working. There was much writing and writing and rewriting. Then there were notes and notes and even more notes. Finally the writing was done. Then it wasn’t. Now they say I’m finished, but I don’t believe them.

Due to a self-inflicted scheduling error, it’s only going to get worse. Starting Monday, I’ll have two fun-filled weeks of working two jobs simultaneously. One would think I wouldn’t have much time to write here, and one would be right… Except that one of the jobs will be writing for an unnamed entertainment news magazine show. I'm guessing that if I get a bit of juicy scoop, there may be an odd compulsion to post thinly veiled accusations and bombshells.

But I ain’t promising anything.

Did anyone else just see Marlon Wayans or Tyra Banks looking frantic and frazzled while doing a bit of last minute Christmas shopping?

So, I'm viewing a tape of a show I'm writing for and notice that there's a giant painting of a vagina in the background.

I guessing I won't be able to use this.

Warm wishes and Happy Holidays from Bob .

‘TWAS RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(or A TRUE STORY)

‘Twas right before Christmas, and down by the mall,
Not a creature was stirring, except for them all.
The traffic was bad, we were told to prepare,
But the shopping wasn’t finished, so we didn’t care.

The cars were all nestled on road up ahead,
While visions of Sig-Alerts danced in my head.
The Mrs. was my passenger, so I gave her a smile,
Who knew it would take two hours to go half a mile?

When out on the road there arose such a clatter,
I looked over the dash to see what was the matter.
Down came the window, just like a flash,
I saw a taxi driver who just got whiplash.

The sun on his taxi made his blood boil red,
So he gave a long honk to the car just ahead.
When what to my wondering eyes would I see?
An old run-down mini van with a brand new Christmas tree.

With a little old driver, so lively and mad,
I knew in a moment, this was going to get bad.
More rapid than eagles, to the taxi he came,
And he whistled and shouted and called out these names:

You prick! You asshole!
You big piece of shit!
You cunt! You fucker!
You old saggy tit!
From the top of your head!
To the tips of your toes!
I’ll kick your ass! I’ll kick your ass!
I’ll punch you in your nose!

The cabbie yelled back; he couldn’t be shy.
And from under her breath, my wife said, “Oh my!”
So right in front of us, the obscenities flew,
in the presence of everyone, and a Christmas tree too.

And then in a twinkling, I watched as he stood,
the prancing and pawing of his fist on the hood.
As for why this was happening, I was at a loss.
Then he reached through the window with a forceful right cross.

The cabdriver ducked and he bobbed and he weaved,
And the man with the Christmas tree just got more peeved.
He flung open the door and jumped into the cab.
Let the fighting begin; who threw that right jab?

The taxi—how it trembled! The suspension, how scary!
They fought with ferocity, and their forearms were hairy.
Their droll little fight was drawing up like a bow,
but then they continued, like wrestlers gone pro.
I got out of my car, and another man, too.
We just looked at each other… Well, what should we do?
You might think me a coward, or a real yellow-belly,
but the car shook and it shook, like bowl full of jelly.

As quick as it started, it ended, this brawl.
The cabbie was okay, in spite of it all.
The man with the Christmas tree climbed out of the cab,
But then remembered something else that he wanted to grab.

He spoke not a word, but went back to his work,
And reached through the window with a smug little smirk.
Straight from the ignition, he snatched up the keys,
And then threw them away, right into the trees.

He sprang to his mini van with his fresh Christmas tree,
And full of holiday cheer, it was easy to see.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!”

I have a nice little holiday post brewing, but in the meantime, please enjoy this.

The previous post reminded me of something.

My wife once told me that an ex-boyfriend of hers liked to go by the name DJ Toasty T. He would wear a big chain with a piece of toast hanging from it whenever they went out dancing.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

In case you were wondering, Bob recieved a high-tech toaster in the mail today.

Ten things you probably don't know about me:

1. I used to fight forest fires.

2. I ate an entire fish head while in Canton, China.

3. I took piano lessons from my mother when I was a child, but quit as an adolescent because I didn't think it was cool.

4. I have stood among the dogs at the starting line of the Tustumina 200.

5. I once hooked and caught a 63 lb King Salmon.

6. I have a shamrock with my name written on it hanging from the walls of Tom Bergin's Tavern.

7. I lost 25+ lbs over a year ago and haven't gained it back.

8. I met my wife at a Persian restaurant where we both worked.

9. I once was accused of having an Irish accent on a flight from London to Los Angeles.

10. I was crowned prom king my senior year of high school.

I just got back from doing a bit of shopping at my friendly neighborhood 7-11. While I was there, I saw a clerk reach across the counter and punch a patron in the face.

Now, THAT'S what I call customer service.

Well, I'm about to head off to a very important meeting which could result in some good work. I'm a little nervous, but surprisingly calm. I'm not really sure why; usually I'm a quivering ball of nervous energy right about now.

I can't believe I'm blogging about this when I should be practicing my "confident smile" in the mirror.

Wish me luck.